She had recently left me in hopes of me bettering myself. In hopes that my mental illness would no longer crowd my mind. She wanted better for me. I tried to salvage the dying relationship but it was too late. My anxiety subsides but I lose myself to emptiness.
Lost. I’m a newly single college student looking for trouble. The cool spring air engulfs me as I walk down the street. I know where I’m going but I’m lost. My depression-ridden mind is yearning for this void to be filled. When I can no longer stifle this agonizing hunger I see you. You’re wearing this shirt with a screen printing of the characters from “Soul Eater.”
I take a mental note. I can use this to get close to you. You could be the remedy that relieves this hunger. I began plotting.
It’s March and for the first time I see you perform at an art show. A budding lust fills me. A brief conversation turns into the trading of phone numbers and my mission is complete. I thought this was a good thing.
Earlier I said I could use anime to my advantage. There was this feeling of being in complete control. I think to myself “I have this boy right where I want him.”
You weren’t under my false sense of control. You had your own agenda. Your aim was sex. Dick was as foreign to me as the language of another land. I was lost. I let you waste as much time with me as you wanted. I would invite you over, watch anime, and pretend this was an okay thing. It wasn’t. But you were fulfilling the emptiness my ex left me with and I gladly settled. I gave you what you wanted, what you came for.
This went on for a month. I never gained anything from this situation. I was constantly questioning my every move. I never had the upper hand. I was lost in the midst of pseudo-reciprocity.