IMG_1619.JPGShe had recently left me in hopes of me bettering myself. In hopes that my mental illness would no longer crowd my mind. She wanted better for me. I tried to salvage the dying relationship but it was too late. My anxiety subsides but I lose myself to emptiness.

Lost. I’m a newly single college student looking for trouble. The cool spring air engulfs me as I walk down the street. I know where I’m going but I’m lost. My depression-ridden mind is yearning for this void to be filled. When I can no longer stifle this agonizing hunger I see you. You’re wearing this shirt with a screen printing of the characters from “Soul Eater.”

I take a mental note. I can use this to get close to you. You could be the remedy that relieves this hunger. I began plotting.

It’s March and for the first time I see you perform at an art show. A budding lust fills me. A brief conversation turns into the trading of phone numbers and my mission is complete. I thought this was a good thing.

Earlier I said I could use anime to my advantage. There was this feeling of being in complete control. I think to myself “I have this boy right where I want him.”

I didn’t.

You weren’t under my false sense of control. You had your own agenda. Your aim was sex. Dick was as foreign to me as the language of another land. I was lost. I let you waste as much time with me as you wanted. I would invite you over, watch anime, and pretend this was an okay thing. It wasn’t. But you were fulfilling the emptiness my ex left me with and I gladly settled. I gave you what you wanted, what you came for.

This went on for a month. I never gained anything from this situation. I was constantly questioning my every move. I never had the upper hand. I was lost in the midst of pseudo-reciprocity.

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