You’d think this was about me coming to terms with every which way I’ve fucked up over the past few months. It’s not.
This is about the moment in which I have an epiphany. After this epiphany, I still manage to do everything I hate.
The void. This void lingers over me like a dictator. It has complete dominance over my thoughts. It leaves me with a strong desire to be validated. The strong desire to be accepted by men.
I’m so willing to say yes to anything even when it doesn’t benefit me. Willing to do anything to suppress the emptiness you’ve left me with. I cannot blame you. I know I shouldn’t blame you. But, I am the product of your abandonment. I’m so open to doing everything I hate as long as someone is going to accept me. Someone who isn’t you. As long as I receive validation. As long as someone is being pleased. That someone being pleased is never me.
The validity I long for is never from those I chase after. I’ve made myself too available. The availability allows anyone to come to me and temporarily fill the vacancy in my heart. I haven’t had feelings for those who come in and out. It is the attention I crave. The feeling of someone wanting me even if it’s just for a moment. That moment. The moment I savor until it’s on to the next.
On to the next I go. This has been a recurring incident this past summer. I move on and allow someone else to give me attention. The attention I only want from you. But I can’t have you. I can’t have your attention. The only thing I have is emptiness. So empty that I know men only want sex and for some reason, that idea will always suffice.
I’ll always allow them to come in and out. I’ve accepted my ways but not enough to change.