Have I been here before?

It’s summer of 2016 and my apartment is full of unfamiliar faces. My eyes scan the room. There you are in the crowd of people. Here I am seeing  something I want but can’t have.

This time things are different. This time I still have some innocence about me. I don’t speak and I don’t act. Today I am sober and sex isn’t on the agenda. Unlike those before you I didn’t make you my mark.

The summer goes by and I never see you again. We’re in 2017 now and I’ve forgotten all about you. But our paths cross for the second time and you make an effort to speak to me. This time I no longer have my innocence. This time you’ve caught me in new heights of being uncontrollable. I was warned to leave men in relationships alone. I was told I needed to understand boundaries. But this time I didn’t know what I was getting myself into.

I’ve been on this streak of celibacy. Telling niggas “we can still be friends.” I thought that’s what this would be. We talk about my blog. Unexpectedly leading down a bad road. After reading my first blog post you ask if I squirt. You tell me I’m a bad girl as if I didn’t already know that. You ask for nudes, but I send thirst traps. You say you missed out on fucking me since I moved back home. Then you say you have a girlfriend.

I’m realizing I’ve been here before.

This time it’s not my fault. This time I give you an option to really think about what you’re doing. I try to convince you not to cheat if it’s not what you really want. But, here I am staring at the dick pic you’ve sent me. Telling you I wanna fuck you but I shouldn’t have these feelings.

But I’ve been here before.

We make a plan. I come back to your city and it’s all set. You’ve already given me your address so I pull up in the afternoon. I’m in your room and I take a second to reflect. This time I’m thinking before things play out. Will I regret this? No.  Will my bad karma keep piling up? Yes. 

We’re watching Cowboy Bebop and you tell me to get comfortable. You bring me closer to you. You start undressing me and this is it. There’s no turning back now. You’re eating me out and we’re off to a good start. I reciprocate and I’m giving the sloppiest head I can manage. Putting my all into it. I even slurp your balls and that was a first for me. This was a first for us. You put on a condom and start hitting me from the back. Going at a good pace. You start choking me and I’m loving it. I’m still trying to pay attention to Cowboy Bebop because of course this was some anime and fuck type of shit. Now I want to suck your dick again. I take the condom off and get to work. Doing everything like I’m supposed to. But you want to fuck me again. You put it in, no condom this time. I ask if you’re sure and you ask if I want to use a condom but it’s too late. We’re already here. You keep going. 

How do I keep ending up here?

Now we’re done. You suggested rock paper scissors to decide if we’d do it again. On some best two out of three shit. Did you really feel bad? We didn’t get to play. You said “alright, we can keep doing it but how often?” You knew what you were signing yourself up for. 

You thought you knew. You thought you were ready. You kept thinking about it. Wondering if you were really up to the cheating. Wondering if you could if it was too late to turn back. You kept saying how much you loved your girl. Telling me how this was going to sit heavily on your conscience. But you enjoyed it too much. You were going back and forth between wanting to fuck me and saying we should stop. You were different than the last one. Unlike him you weren’t ready to risk it all. But after giving it more thought you felt like it was too late. We’re already here so why not continue? 

To be continued…

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